mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
