I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
