do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
