I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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