I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
