Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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