Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
