i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
