She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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