quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
