No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
this boner is exhausting
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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