dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
