thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
