Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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