Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
