can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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