Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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