If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
