I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
