hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
id be glad to
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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