bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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