i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
