Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
