between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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