Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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