I wish my penis had an off switch
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
