I faked an abortion last night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
