and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
