At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
