I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
