I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
