Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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