I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
