You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
