Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
