I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
