just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
