Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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