every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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