I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
