I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
