Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
