I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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