Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
