saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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