I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
