guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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