My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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