I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
