Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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