I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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