I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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