Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I cut my penus on the lid.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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