grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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