apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
