the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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