And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
