Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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