Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
